Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
