Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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