I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
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