C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Randomize
