my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
