sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
