Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
