im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Randomize
