Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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