I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Watching her eat just hurts me
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
