Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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