I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Randomize
