Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
