There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
COCAINE IS GR8
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
