My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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