I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
