mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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