I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
