its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
