is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
