hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
What changed your mind?
Being sober
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Randomize
