People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
