So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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