i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
