I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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