hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
