My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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