cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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