addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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