So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
