I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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