Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
