Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize