I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
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