I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
