turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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