just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
