god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
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