she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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