thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
