I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
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