I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize