So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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