i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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