Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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