there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Randomize