nut hugger
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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