The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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