if you like me you must not know who I am
just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Randomize
