I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
