I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
