you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
