fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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